Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
