The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
