They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
