yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
