I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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