Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
