after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
