Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
