He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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