You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
