During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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