After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
