Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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