i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
