We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
