I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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