My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
