The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
