Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
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I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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