I wish I only lived at night.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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