please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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