How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
