On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
