I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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