From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
