I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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