i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
