I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize
