I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
