Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
