i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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