I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
