Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
