never play flip cup with pint glasses
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
