Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i was born a porn star she said
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
