drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
My pussy is not your playground.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do