I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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