I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I AM VODKA MAN
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
