I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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