I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
