Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
