She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
