She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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