If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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