I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
