Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
