I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
