I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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