How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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