Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Man, jail baloney is awful.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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