You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
