yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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