My liver just broke up with me...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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