nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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