I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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