Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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