Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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