So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
