the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
