Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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