I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
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Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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